Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Why So Personal?

Okay-so Dan had me thinking. He asked what made me write my last blog (On A Personal Note posted 11/27).

It started with a conversation we had last week. He asked why I let people take my time and my answer was that it was all I had to give. Then I really started wondering why...

I got home and I was immediately needed. My kids needed me for all of the crap their dad won't do, DAT needed me, friends needed my help or my ear. And maybe that's how I identify myself, by how much I'm needed. It gives me a feeling of worth. It's a positive trait I guess from a bad situation.

I know the subject is one I never spoke of and I started to wonder why on that as well. Truly it's not something that comes up in casual conversation but I never even confided in my closest friends (actually a whopping two knew). Why should it be a deep dark secret, why can't it be just another bump in my road?

I shouldn't be ashamed about something that happened a lifetime ago. By not being open about it am I claiming that being a victim is shameful? It started to feel that way.

I've had victims in my classes, women with battle scars. I look at them as strong women who overcame something and continue to become more than a single moment in their lives.

And maybe that's another reason I never spoke of it, I didn't want it to define me. But it never will because it never did. It may have been something that controlled me for a couple of years. A demon that had to be beaten. But we all have our demons. I have friends who had abusive parents, no parents, lost a child or a partner, or have a similar incidents in their lives that was so ugly they were taken to the bottom of their being and had to claw back from it. The amazing thing is our human resilience. We can claw back, overcome and not let the darkness define us but give us strength.

I'm probably a much stronger person today because of my past. Not that I wouldn't do the cliche of going back in time and changing one thing if it were possible. But I am who I am because of my decisions, whether they were good, bad or ugly, they was mine.

I've had other bumps, some small speed bumps like an injury or health issues, some a bit more jarring like divorce. I'm positive I'll have more of all sizes. But I know I have strength and I know I have support. Because that's the one thing about being needed by others, it goes both ways.

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