Friday, August 28, 2015

You Sexy Thing

"Whenever I see a gorgeous women, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I'm suddenly thirsty?"
~Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible

What is sexy?

That question has a different answer to everyone.  And the answer tends to change as we do. What I find sexy in my forties is very different from what I considered in my twenties.

I love to see people who believe their sexiness. I'm not talking about the creepy fat, balding, cocky guy who just comes off as stomach-turning (think Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder or present day Donald Trump). But the people who dress well, carry themselves beautifully and confidently, whether they are a size zero or a size 18, and display a kindness and happiness that shows how they view the world around them.

I love to see women of any size being beautiful and proud of who they are. My group of friends does not include one supermodel and I have to say that the ones that ooze the most sex appeal can be those that society would state should be ashamed of their body. Do you know by today's standards Marylin Monroe would have been considered chunky? Talk about sex appeal that would have been wasted.

What makes me heartbroken is people who give up, who don't care, who dress how they think the world should see them or how they feel about themselves. I know beautiful women who wear stained, ripped, too tight or old clothing because, in their minds, what's the point?

Sexy should not have a size. Sexy should be an attitude, a lifestyle.

I'm not saying we shouldn't always try to be healthy, eat right and work out, but we should love our bodies every minute we are doing it.

Not easy, I know. My husband tells me often that I am the sexiest thing he can imagine. My self-deprecating humor will emerge and I'll tell him he needs to improve on his imagination. But he truly means it and I'm lucky for that.

So what do I find sexy?

Humor mostly, I love it when someone makes me laugh. I have an incredibly sexy husband and some smokin' friends in that department.

Kindness, towards animals, is such a turn-on, but I like kindness to people as well.

Happiness, which is not always easy or possible. But people who display a happy outlook on life are truly the sexiest.

Adventurous. Life should be one big sexy adventure.

Intelligence, being a well-rounded person, which sort of goes along with humor. You need to be quick and bright to be truly funny, rather than tragically amusing.

Smell. Sounds strange but I really like someone who has a distinct nice smell about them.

(Thankfully my sexy husband fits all of these criteria.)

So what is unsexy?

Being too serious. Getting upset over the small stuff and obsessing over things that are trivial.

Being cheap. I get being money conscious, but some people discuss every cent that leaves their pocket as if it's a personal crisis even when they are not in financial trouble at all.

Rudeness. Period.

Cruelty to animals (or people). Those people should just give up and accept their worthlessness.

Stupidity. There is a lot of unsexy in today's world.
***Girl's, please don't up-speak, vocal fry or, for the love of humanity, stop with the every other word "Like." And let's be honest, not everything can be "literally."

So whether you're in a committed relationship or searching for one, think about what you find sexy. It may not be about blond hair or ripped abs. You might surprise yourself.

"She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Montey Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date we'll knit the blanket we'll make love under."
~Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Stop, Breathe, and Move On

"Toxic people will pollute everything around them. Don't hesitate. Fumigate."
~ Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

Toxic people are like a bad haircut, you're going to have at least one in your life and you may just have to put up with it for awhile. I'd like to say that the choice is yours on what that time limit is but in reality it doesn't always work that way.

The toxin may come from a coworker or boss that you have no ability to get away from. It may be a teacher you have to deal with for a year or four, a relative you need to see at occasions or an ex-spouse that, if you have children, you are stuck dealing with until your children are grown. Unfortunately a hazmat mask or fumigation doesn't always work and you need to, well, choke down some poison.

The trick is not letting it control you. Typically a toxic person is all about themselves and every drama, conversation or achievement is completely in their limelight.  Often energy vampires, if you find yourself dreading being around someone you have to ask yourself why you need to be? They tend to have little sense of humor about life in general, taking everything way too seriously and not only sweating the small stuff but obsessing about the tiniest of trauma to the most mundane turmoils.

If it's a contact that you can minimize find your best approach to minimize it. Why not? What do you gain having any relationship above the minimally mandated one with a person or people that only cause you stress or dread? Unless they saved your life and you are in their debt maybe move on, or at least buy a hat to cover the bad haircut.

Sometimes, on occasion, a toxic person gets better. This is, maybe, the case of my ex-husband, according to my kids. He actually seems to be TRYING HARDER. They aren't finding excuses not to see him and reasons to avoid interaction. He is attempting to be less toxic. I'm not about to run out and join him for coffee, but I'm thrilled if a relationship with the kids improves. I may actually get a day or two more of free time.

Whether it's a new friend, a dating prospect or an old relationship you've never been quite sure about, beware how the toxins can control and depress you. We get one chance at life and to waste time with people who can't see beyond their own importance is a waste of whatever happiness is pure, unfiltered and genuine.

If you feel like a toxin can be filtered maybe check in now and then to see, surprises happen. But if every indicator points to a naturally poisonous demeanor then by all means, stop, breathe, and let go. Walk away and let the stale air fall behind you. There is too much fresh air to breathe anything else.

"Love is in the air but the air is highly polluted."
~Amit Abraham

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Gratitude and Regrets

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been."
~Kurt Vonnegut

Regrets, we all have them. Chances we never took, paths we never followed or mistakes that haunt us months, years or decades later. Can we avoid future regrets?

I recently read an article about the top ten regrets people have right before they die. Most focused on not loving enough or not following a dream. I absolutely related. If I were to die tomorrow I would worry that I haven't been loving my family enough. I would also regret never finishing a book. So I've been actively working on my book but that has distracted me from my family. Must multitask better.

Past regrets include not following career paths or staying in a bad relationship a decade too long. And we can wallow in regrets every day until our eyes bleed in disgust. That doesn't help anyone.

So try to find everything in your life, your day, your hour, that you can be thankful for and appreciate.

I'm grateful for:

My fury writing partner that sits next to me in my office.

The veggies I picked in my garden.

My daughter figuring out how to put in contacts.

A lovely young mare to work with for the next many years.

An amazing husband who makes me laugh every day.

My son when he's activated.

The view from my deck.

Fantastic friends.

Modern medicine that fights cancer.

My Mac.


Being able to run.

Air conditioning.


What are you grateful for? I dare you to make your own list and even share it below. Or find one thing every day and post, Tweet or simply keep a journal.

"Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude."
~A.A. Miln, Winnie-The-Pooh

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

It's Alright to Cry

"Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you."
~John Green, The Fault in our Stars

There's a difference between being sad and being depressed. This is a conversation I had with my kids yesterday. Even though Webster's first definition is "a state of feeling sad" that seems a bit too vague. And too often we use the term depressed for what is essentially sadness.

When something bad happens in life we can get sad. We should get sad. We should mourn our losses, cry over heartbreaks and regret mistakes for the amount of time it takes to start healing and move on with life.

Yesterday I had two separate children crying on my shoulder for two very different reasons. One was sad because for the fourth year in a row all of her best friends are on different teams in school. The fact that every year she adds a new best friend to the fold was not holding water. The only thing holding water was my pants as she sobbed on my lap.

She needed that. She needed to cry, get it out, and go for ice cream.

I have another child who struggles with depression and the sadness is something he lives with and fights with every day. Some days are harder than others. Yesterday was a hard day.

So last night we stayed up late and had a long talk about being sad verses being depressed. They can share the same body, absolutely, but they can also be very different.

I struggled with depression in my late teens and then during a bad marriage, but both were situational depression. Once clear of the situations I was no longer depressed. My child feels that he is doomed. His reasoning is that, on occasion, something happens that makes me sad. But that's the key, sad, not depressed.

Everyone in my generation remembers that Free to be You and Me told us, "It's alright to cry. Crying gets the sad out of you."

It's okay to be sad. It can be cleansing and healing. Just know the difference between a sadness and a depression in yourself, your children, your spouse, or anyone you care for and get the help they need.

How I would define depression is a sadness on many levels that just never seems to go away. It can come about situationally or chemically and it usually requires outside help to conquer. Don't be afraid to get it.

But if you're just sad then be sad. Then try to be happy.

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
~John Green, The Fault in our Stars